What to Ask Yourself Before Speaking
A marriage and family therapist friend shared with me some advice they really liked, “Always ask yourself before you speak, is this kind, is this true and is this necessary.” Since hearing this, I’ve been thinking about what it means. It comes across as a motto, a bit constraining and with a one-size-fits-all feeling. But with some deeper reflection this one-line advice is making some deeper sense.
Pause and reflect before speaking
It’s always a good idea to ask ourselves to pause and reflect before speaking. I say this because I spend a lot of time with someone who never does this, my three-year old grandson. While the things he says are usually adorable and funny, sometimes what he says is not so cute. For instance, occasionally when I come to visit, he takes one look at me and then says, “Go home papa!” Fortunately, I am okay with it. I recognize I am interrupting his space when I visit and like most young children, he hasn’t fully learned about thinking before speaking. On the other hand, if my wife said something like this to me when I arrived home, I would have different feelings, such as surprise, dismay, and disappointment! This is because I carry expectations that my wife’s communication stems from a place self-awareness and intentionality.
We become better communicators when we choose our words
Words that are both kind and true seem to go together. If we only spoke words of kindness this could hide some of our deeper feelings that might harsh. Of course, speaking with our significant partners, it is healthy to share about our displeasures, disappointments, and frustrations. Feeling unhappy about something is integral to resiliency because it moves us towards healthy change and growth. Thinking deeply about speaking our truth gives access for us to communicate our deeper feelings no matter how unkind they may seem. It allows us to deliver our words in such a way that our listener can more clearly hear our truths. This, for me, defines a deeper sense of kindness in communication. We can choose our words so that we can elicit a feeling that our listener can “hear” us. This is a basis for feeling seen, valued, and understood. Therefore, kindness and truth in speaking can go hand in hand. This paves the way toward a healthier communication that generates understanding and feelings of intimacy.
Making sure our words to our partner are necessary
To the last part of the advice, “is this necessary?” I question if that is really true. We frequently communicate about things that are unnecessary but are important for building connection and intimacy. For instance, lets examine talking about the weather. There is no reason to describe with another person what they are also witnessing. And if we only communicated what was necessary, we would be super efficient in our overall communication. But communication for connection is not always about what is necessary. In my work as a Couples Therapist I help couples develop communication for creating connection by the healthy sharing of thoughts and feelings. So really, what is “necessary” communication? If we wish to build intimacy with another, this necessitates sharing for the purpose of connecting. Using the subject of weather as our example, speaking something about it reveals our thoughts and feelings and is what Gottman therapy would call a “bid” for offering the other the opportunity to respond. No matter how seemingly unnecessary these bids and offers are to another, responding to them creates develops a warm, connecting circle of communication. Thus we begin to understand that what is “necessary” to say is that which builds connection with our partner. With the people important to us, to say things with intentionality, truth, and kindness are the building blocks for our relationship house with another.
Couples counseling can help you become a better communicator
If you are struggling to find ways to communicate with one another during conflict, know that there is still hope. Couples therapy can help you get to the root of your issues and repair your connection. Reach out soon to get started.