Grief In the First Year
We don’t choose to grieve
Grief, unfortunately, is not a choice. When we lose a loved one, it’s like we are suddenly thrust into a foreign land. Our thoughts and feelings are uncomfortably different and the world around us looks strange and not the same. Being in this new world, where our loved one is no longer present, we must “re-reckon” with a new reality. Especially in the first year of loss, grief can feel especially hard and painful for a number of reasons. We must now face life’s events more alone. Family gatherings, holidays, and the marking of time with birthdays and anniversaries can increase our sense of loss and lonliness. This adds to an overwhelming feeling in this first year of feeling the pain of loss and that we really notice the absence of our loved one.
The first year may also bring feelings of numbness and uncontrollable feelings. I recall my father who loved classical violin music. After his death, I would sometimes cry whenever I heard this beautiful music played on the radio or in my home. And it was hard for me to realize I couldn’t reach out to him like I had always done so in the past. This sense of numbness and changed reality caused me to feel disoriented. Not only did I lose my father, but I also found it difficult to function in the world as competently as I had been used to doing in the past.
Navigating this new landscape of grief and especially in the first year, everyday activities become more difficult. Food shopping and meal preparation can take significant difficulty, especially if we are used to sharing our meals with the person now gone. And going out socially becomes strained. Not only are we overwhelmed with grief, but we can usually see in others their uncomfortableness for what to say or act towards us. This can make us feel more isolated and alone. All these painful feelings can cause us to feel depressed, losing a drive for doing anything but just being sad.
Soothing ourselves in our first year of grief
In this first year of loss, we can do certain things to help us tolerate and even soothe some of the overwhelming pain of grief. For starters, we can begin to acknowledge it. Accepting that we have grief does a couple things of helpful things for us. It slows us down so that we can begin to tolerate and accept these new feelings. Grief isn’t something to be fixed, repaired, or ignored. And our society doesn’t always help here either. Many times, the ‘messiness’ of feeling grief feels out of place or unwelcomed among others. People can become activated towards their own sense of loss and grief which for some remains unresolved. In slowing down and accepting grief as life’s natural reactions to loss, we can become more accepting of ourselves, our thoughts and feelings. This self-compassion can give us an internal “permission” that it is okay to feel these feelings. We can be become less anxious and more accepting of our feelings.
Making room at the table for our grief
Being in the company of those we love and feel secure with can also help us to bring the memory of our loved one to the present. Gathering with family and friends who are accepting of our grief is a very healthy way to create self-acceptance for the feelings we have. In gathering with others, it is important to make room at the table for the memory of our lost loved one. Then, like sun breaks on a cloudy winter day, we can feel glimmers of hope and begin to find a path going forward. This first year of grief is a like a new journey where, with deep pains of loss, we are making some sense of our new reality. As we do, we can forge ahead and create and build a new life while keeping the memory of loved one alive.
Self-compassion leads to resiliency
Everyone grieves differently. Your experiences of grief and your path forward is as unique as you are. One of the best practices you can do is simply to give yourself the self-compassion that it is okay to feel what you feel. In the first year of grieving, as everything seems so especially hard, please know that you still have an ability to adapt and change. And you can become resilient for a new life going forward as you grief the loss of your loved one.
If you are having trouble coping with this new chapter, reach out to me for grief counseling. Together, we can find ways to help you feel more prepared to take on this next chapter.