Discernment Counseling
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Maybe you or your partner are thinking of going your separate ways, but you’re not sure if that’s the right call. Given the gravity of the situation, both of you probably want to weigh all your options before making a life-changing decision. If this is the case, then discernment counseling may be right for you.
Unlike couples therapy, discernment counseling is a short-term approach that focuses on determining whether your problems are solvable rather than trying to solve them. It’s all about figuring out the best path for your relationship, whether that means separating or staying together. This is an opportunity to step back, refocus, and look at the big picture, reducing the temptation to make a hasty or impulsive decision.
As a certified discernment counselor, it’s my goal to help you gain the clarity to figure out what’s best for your relationship or marriage and the confidence to follow through knowing you made the right choice.
How Do We Know If Discernment Counseling Is Right For Us?
Discernment Counseling is ideal for couples when one partner is “leaning out” of the relationship—considering divorce and unsure that couples therapy would help—and the other is “leaning in”—determined to repair the relationship and stay together.
Discernment counseling is not appropriate for the following situations:
One of you has already made up your mind to divorce or separate
One of you is coercing the other to participate
There is domestic violence or danger present in your relationship
How Does Discernment Counseling Work?
Discernment counseling consists of a maximum of five sessions; the first session is two hours long, and the others are generally one and a half to two hours. Although the majority of our sessions will be held with you and your partner together, I will spend a portion of each session meeting with each of you separately. After all, both of you are coming from different viewpoints, so I believe in giving you both a chance to freely share your feelings and voice your concerns.
After each discernment counseling session, we will regroup to decide if you have sufficient clarity about your relationship or if you want to schedule a subsequent session.
The ultimate goal is to explore three potential choices you can make regarding your future together:
Do not pursue dissolution or couples therapy and maintain what we call the status quo of the relationship.
To dissolve the relationship (for this to occur, it only takes one partner to say they are done.)
To recognize that there are problems in the relationship and commit to working through them. This is the most nuanced path—it’s not about guaranteeing the relationship will stay intact, but about agreeing to try and make things better.
No matter what conclusion you and your partner come to, I am here to support both of you and ensure that you are treated with respect and compassion. As a grief and couples therapist, I draw on years of experience to facilitate a safe space where partners feel seen, heard, and understood.
I’m on the fence about ending our relationship—sometimes I think it’s a good idea, and sometimes I think it’s not
If this is how you feel, then Discernment Counseling may be a good fit for you. I can act as a compassionate yet challenging guide, helping you see your situation with greater clarity.
I strongly believe that we are always impacting our partner in ways we might not realize. Discernment Counseling can help you understand why your relationship is where it is today and what direction you’d like it to take going forward. There are three different paths that we can explore as the outcome of this process: Path 1) stay together and pursue neither dissolution nor couples counseling. Path 2) pursue dissolution. Path 3) pursue six months of couples therapy so that you can strengthen your relationship and avoid breaking up.
I would consider reconciling if my significant other agreed to work on themselves, too
It’s hard when you feel like you’re doing all you can to rebuild your relationship and your partner isn’t putting in as much effort. I can help you understand what needs to change for you to stay in your marriage or relationship, and I can also help you communicate that to your partner in a way that isn’t hostile.
If you feel like there’s little hope for your relationship, Discernment Counseling can help you understand what got you to this point and what you each have to do individually to gain momentum in your relationship. If you feel more hopeful and you’re both willing to work through your disconnection, you might be better suited for couples therapy.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Perhaps you’re fiercely determined to make your relationship stronger, but your partner is throwing around the word divorce or feeling demoralized. If that’s the case, Discernment Counseling is the option that makes the most sense for you. Oftentimes, leaning-out partners are satisfied with this process and are open to attending a session (we’ll only commit to one session at a time. Whether you return is up to you.)
If your partner doesn’t want to try discernment counseling, you are still welcome to pursue individual therapy with me. Together, we can focus on what you can do to improve your relationship individually and get your relationship to a point where your partner is open to therapy, too.
You Deserve To Have Clarity About Your Relationship’s Future
If your marriage feels like it’s on the brink and you’re unsure if divorce is the answer, I encourage you to pursue my discernment counseling services. This is a chance to figure out the best path forward for you and your partner. To learn more about how I can help, you can use the contact form or schedule a free consultation via Zoom or phone at (206) 321-5729.
* https://www.gottman.com/blog/p-is-for-problems/
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