Setting Intentions, Not Resolutions: A Gentler Approach to Growth in the New Year
As a Seattle therapist helping clients through their life transitions and personal growth journeys, I've observed a striking pattern: traditional New Year's resolutions often create more stress than positive change. People can feel deflated by February, carrying the weight of "failed" resolutions like unwanted baggage. This experience has led me to advocate for a more compassionate approach: setting intentions rather than resolutions.
But what exactly is the difference, and why does it matter—especially during life's transitions?
The Resolution Trap
Resolutions typically focus on specific outcomes: "I will lose 30 pounds," "I will get promoted," or "I will find a partner." They're rigid, binary commitments that we either keep or break. This black-and-white thinking can be particularly harmful during periods of transition or uncertainty, when we need flexibility and self-compassion the most.
In my practice, I've seen how resolutions can become another form of self-criticism. On client navigating a career change, shared how their resolution to "land a dream job by March" left them feeling like a failure when the timeline didn't align with market realities. The resolution became a source of anxiety rather than motivation, adding unnecessary pressure to an already challenging transition.
The Power of Intentions
Intentions, by contrast, are about directing our energy and attention toward desired ways of being rather than specific outcomes. They're like a compass rather than a destination—guiding our choices while allowing for multiple paths forward.
Consider the difference:
Instead of "I will exercise five times a week," an intention might be "I choose to honor my body's need for movement."
Rather than "I will find a partner," the intention could be "I open myself to meaningful connections."
Instead of "I will get promoted," one might set the intention "I commit to growing professionally while maintaining work-life balance."
The beauty of intentions lies in their flexibility and focus on the present moment. They acknowledge that personal growth isn't linear and that the journey itself holds value.
Why Intentions Matter During Transitions
Life transitions—whether it's changing careers, ending relationships, moving cities, or adapting to new family dynamics—are inherently messy and nonlinear. During these periods, we need approaches that can bend without breaking.
Another one of my clients was struggling with the transition to parenthood. His resolution to "be the perfect father" left him constantly feeling inadequate. When we reframed this as an intention to "approach parenting with presence and compassion," he found more space to learn and grow. The intention acknowledged that perfection isn't the goal; presence is.
Setting Meaningful Intentions
Through my life transitions therapy with clients, I've developed a framework for setting intentions that support genuine growth:
Connect with Your Values: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do, reflect on what truly matters to you. What qualities do you want to embody? What kind of energy do you want to bring to your life?
Use Present-Tense Language: Frame intentions in the now. Rather than "I will be more patient," try "I choose patience." This subtle shift helps embed the intention in your current experience rather than postponing it to some future state.
Leave Room for Evolution: Recognize that as circumstances change, your intentions may need to shift. This flexibility is a strength, not a weakness.
Practice Self-Compassion: When you notice yourself straying from your intentions, respond with kindness rather than criticism. These moments are opportunities for learning and recommitment, not failure.
The Ripple Effect
What I find most powerful about intentions is their ripple effect. When we set intentions aligned with our values, the impact extends beyond ourselves. A client setting an intention to "practice active listening" found that it not only improved her relationships but also influenced how her children approached communication.
This ripple effect is particularly noticeable during transitions, as our choices often affect those around us. By approaching change with intentionality rather than rigid expectations, we create space for authentic growth that benefits our entire community.
Moving Forward
As we step into this new year, I invite you to experiment with setting intentions rather than resolutions. Consider what qualities you want to cultivate, what energy you want to bring to your relationships, and how you want to show up for yourself and others.
Remember that growth isn't about reaching a destination—it's about how we travel the path. By setting intentions, we create a framework for growth that's both ambitious and compassionate, structured and flexible, personal and universal.
In the words of one of my clients who embraced this approach: "For the first time, I feel like I'm Instead of working against ourselves we are working with ourselves. And that’s where meaningful change begins? Feel free to contact me to schedule a brief no-cost consultation.