What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a unique form of therapy designed for couples teetering on the edge of divorce. Picture this: one partner is ready to call it quits, while the other wants to give the marriage another shot. That's where discernment counseling comes in. A licensed marriage and family therapist acts as an unbiased mediator in just a handful of sessions (usually one to five). They'll help you and your partner dive deep into your relationship, exploring why divorce is on the table and whether it's the best path forward. By the end of your sessions, you'll typically reach one of two decisions: either proceed with divorce or commit to six months of intensive marriage counseling.
Dr. William Doherty, a professor at the University of Minnesota, developed discernment counseling in 2008. He collaborated with divorce lawyers and a family court judge to better understand couples amid divorce proceedings. Dr. Doherty's research revealed a fascinating insight: even couples who've filed for divorce often harbor uncertainty. He coined the term "mixed agenda" couples to describe this phenomenon. These are pairs where one partner is "leaning in" to the relationship while the other is "leaning out."
Approaches Used in Discernment Counseling
Individual Conversations
In discernment counseling, you'll engage in tailored individual conversations. These help you understand your role in the marriage's struggles and avoid solely expecting change from your partner. If you're "leaning out," the counselor will focus on your decision-making process about divorce. You'll explore reasons for the relationship's decline, your part in it, and why previous reconciliation attempts failed.
Constructive Tactics for Conflict
Those "leaning in" aim to truly listen and grasp your spouse's perspective. You'll develop constructive tactics for handling conflicts, steering clear of begging or blame. The goal? To foster understanding and create a more positive interaction during tough times.
Setting Marriage Goals
Together, you'll work on establishing clear objectives for your marriage. This process helps both partners align their expectations and provides a roadmap for potential reconciliation or an amicable separation.
Relationship Assignment
You'll be asked to take a good, hard look at your relationship. You must roll up your sleeves and get to work if you're leaning towards reconciliation. Your counselor will ask you to list personal habits you want to change to benefit your marriage.
For couples hoping to patch things up, your counselor might suggest:
● An alcohol assessment (if applicable)
● A couples retreat to reconnect
● Individual therapy to work on personal issues
● Preparing for Divorce
If you're heading towards divorce, your counselor will help you and your partner create a roadmap for a cooperative divorce process. You'll discuss the most crucial aspects to consider, ensuring you're both on the same page. Remember, even if your marriage ends, you can still part ways with mutual respect and understanding.
Difference Between Discernment Counseling and Couples Therapy
While both involve professional guidance, their goals and approaches differ significantly.
Divergent Objectives
Couples therapy aims to mend and strengthen your relationship. It's ideal when both partners are committed to working things out. However, discernment counseling might be more appropriate if you are uncertain about the relationship's future. This approach helps you carefully weigh your options and reflect on your role in the relationship's breakdown.
Individual Focus vs. Joint Sessions
In discernment counseling, you'll spend more time individually with the counselor than as a couple. This allows for deeper personal introspection and helps clarify your thoughts and feelings about the relationship. The goal isn't to solve your problems, but to determine if they can be solved.
Are you feeling uncertain about the future of your relationship? Discernment counseling might be the compassionate space you need to explore your options. I aim to create a non-judgmental environment where you and your partner can openly discuss your feelings and concerns. Book a consultation today to learn more.